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| Awkward Eyemask |
[Jersey Jordan is a dear friend of mine that I met shortly after moving to SF in a shitty college Psychology class. We immediately befriended each other because there was literally no one else in our class that had a normal functioning set of social skills or a decent IQ for that matter and that included our super psychologically disturbed teacher. Ironic...I know. You see on the first day of class we were paired up with neighboring students that we had to interview and be interviewed by in order to present personal information about one another to the rest of the class as a sort of get to know you game aka the worst and most annoying game that you have to play in school. I was paired up with an angry fire crotch Russian nursing student that really did NOT want to get to know me or reveal any information about herself. She didn't seem to like Russia or the U.S. too much, didn't seem to care for her family all that much either nor did she have any special interests or hobbies. I have a feeling if she follows through with the nursing career we will hear a news report about her pulling one of those "Angel of Death" deals, euthanizing her patients. Jersey Jordan got stuck with a super odd, large headed, seemingly gay legal midget who wore Ugg boots, a faux Louis Vuitton scarf and was a pathological liar who liked to gain the attention of the class to tell long winded stories and horribly cheesy jokes. We later learned he wasn't gay but in fact was married. We found this out because he brought in his wedding album to share with other students, although I was extremely curious about who he made his bride I just couldn't give him the pleasure of my curiousity/ attention. After these two super awkward individuals did a horrible job of presenting our vibrant personalities and fascinating life stories to the class we sought each other out and didn't separate for the rest of the semester. We also happened to be neibs in the lovely TL, so our school life blended into our personal life and we became even greater pals. He is also the former roommate and best friend of my dear friend Thinmint, which is how I established that amazing friendship. Hanging out with the two of them together is like hanging out with Beevis and Butthead gone Jersey shore. This past January however little Jordy decided to spread his wings and head out to Los Angeles solo. I was terribly upset with him for going out on his own to live his dreams and wanted to cut all ties to show my deep resentment, but I just can't quit him and so we still talk pretty constantly- mostly harassing each other through text and facebook. And now he's back in the bay with his hometown pal Beefy. Last night was the calm before tonight's storm...]
So not only did I make the poor choice to do the "accidental" schedule mix up but I also happened to notice that my manger did a real schedule mix up by scheduling me for a closing shift on the ONE night a week I have class which she has done over and over again. So I brought it to her attention today and what a TERRIBLE idea that was. She tried to snap off on me and tell me I needed to get my shit together because I'm under performing in sales and there is a potential of me losing my job. Along with all of this delightful information she berated me for having poor health over the last year (because I of course love missing work due to illness and therefore seek out getting bronchitis and throat infections) as well as taking my legal paid vacation time that I have earned for working for the company for OVER four years, which in retail years is about ten. Of course I listened respectfully, nodding my head and quietly apologizing as I internally snapped off on her with really brilliant come backs and super abusive retorts. This bitch is the LEAST empathetic human being, she values work and sales above her own personal life which is probably why she will have her lady parts shrivel up inside of her and she'll die alone with her dirty face and crusty hair. The worst part is she pretends to be nice and understanding. She neglects the fact that I'm probably in the top 5 group of associates who give great customer service and that I help her idiot ass perform the basic functions of her managerial position on a regular basis. As I've said before commission driven sales is not a relaxing or enjoyable life style. I am a sweet, slow, patient manatee amongst hungry, mean, aggressive sharks including our newly recruited associate. I think she is certifiably insane. She harasses all the customers by getting way too into their personal space bubbles shouting extremely peppy greetings that deafen them into a state of shock and confusion, then she grabs their personal belongings and anything they may have picked up while shopping the floor and shoves them into a fitting room where she badgers them into a sale they're not sure of. She has been trained this way by her former employer, a little slut factory otherwise known as BeBay* also the former workplace of the psycho cheerleader manager who worked there for 7 years without taking a sick day (which is why she is going to get a brain tumor, you just can't deal with what I'm sure is the misery of working for such a crazy company without a vacation or personal day for that long and not have some serious repercussions). According to them if you had the lowest sales it was your job to clean the employee bathrooms as a way to shame you, punish you and mock you or as they like to say encourage you to pick up your numbers! This shop girl on crack still dresses like she's at the prost-a-tot* shop wearing everyday stripper heels and cropped tops, but unfortunately for her she's a butter-face. Great Russian minx bod but when you get up close just a tired ass face with fucked up teeth, framed by straight cut unnaturally black hair. If you can't tell I'm not too fond of her, even though she probably thinks we're friends because she refers to everyone as friend, but I don't think anyone feels the same. Everyone that is but the French shark...I think he is only acting friendly because: A. he's desperately lonely and B. he's living the old adage "keep your friends close but your enemies closer" he knows her game because he's the master at it and is faking a friendship to keep an eye on her shenanigans. Nevertheless I'm going to keep my distance because: A. I don't care enough about the competitive nature of my job to consider her an enemy and B. She reminds me a lot of the Orphan from the film of that title, I have a lingering fear she's going to wipe off the makeup and be a creepy 40 year old psycho killer who wants to unleash her internal rage.
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| This bitch is my nemesis and worst nightmare. |
To make a long story short I hate my fucking job and need to find a new one...unfortunately working for this company has been my first and only professional job and I'm terrified of trying something new. That and I have health benefits and paid vacation, which I don't think you get right off the bat working at Forever21 (my second choice for a career). Nevertheless I'm going to print up my ridiculous/ serious ass resume..it goes something like this:
1995-1999: Lemonade Stand feautirng rice krispie treats and homemade earrings as well as free parking on Drew Ave. S in South Mpls for the Edina Art Fair
2003-2006: Professional babysitter (never had my boyfriend in your shower that's why I'm making $12 an hour) but please do not contact former employer because she's currently in a Texas mental institution post-divorce.
2006-2009: High end department store outlet styling in the great skyways of downtown Mpls, I can sell you anything you want at a decent price but no we're no in the bazaars of the Middle East, its a real corporation so I'm unable to bargain.
2009-2011; Real ass department store [supposedly big $$] ]: Facilitating the needs of the desperate housewives of SF, tourists, crazy bitches, online shoppers and chronic returners. I'm here to sell you $80 t-shirts and $200 jeans. I offer you a bottle of water, my honest yet complimentary opinion and eternal gratefulness...please USE me!
So who the fuck wants to hire me?? If my lady lumps were made up of less fat I would probably be a stripper...it IS the the most economical option.
Buuuuut I feel like I should have some other options but I'm not sure what they are. Coffee shops open too damn early, childcare is a lot of responsibility, retail is just schlepping clothes in one way or another and everything else requires a college degree or a high IQ...both of which I'm working on.
Getting trashed = skill accomplished. Chelsea Handler pleeeeeeeease hire me, I compliment your zany ways!! xoxo, lola
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