Bed & Breakfasts- Cute or Creepy

So after my debacle with horseback riding (FYI I will now refer to horses as WHOREses, because that's what they are.) we went back to our cozy little Bed & Breakfast to smoke some green and get sloshed on locally made Mendocino wine.

I'm only 23 so I haven't had too much experience in the world of B&B's, I think its primarily something restricted to couples who have been fucking for a while and are trying to make things more romantic/ serious, newly wed couples, couples who are trying to make it even though they're old and tired of one another or groups of couples who are considering swinging with other couples...oh and of course don't forget about the gals groups like book clubs or wine clubs that want to take their friendships to the next level (possibly one involving lesbian experimental behavior). And I think that this is exactly the type of people who should frequent these  of destination spots. I did tag along with my mom to a few B&B's as a youth. I think I would enjoy the cuteness and quaintness of sharing that experience together at this age more than I did back then.

These are the ideal candidates: 

They're not actually reading the news, they're looking
at the ads for tranny hookers to spice up their sex life

Don't let the love die before you do

Ultimately what I've concluded from personal experience and anecdotes from others is this: You have a 50% chance of going to a really charming and cozy B&B with a delightful no pressure breakfast (aka you can come and eat it or you can skip it) and a relaxing stay.

Slightly overgrown but still sweet garden arch
facing the ocean.

Charming little cottage at the Inn at Schoolhouse Creek

Mmmm worth waking up for

You also have a 50% chance of going to a really creepy and uncomfortable B&B where the owner basically operates it so they can show off their doll collections* or the thousands of blankets they've woven on their handcrafted looms and force you into awkward conversation at 7 am over some shitty tea and crumpets. Luckily we got the former experience.

This is Bed & Breakfast Barbara...an example
of the type of proprietor you want to avoid,
She has way too much time on her hands
and way too much information she's dying
to talk to someone about.

This place clearly has some angry spirits dwelling in it.

Bed & Breakfast Barbara will probably talk your
ear off about all their names and outfits.

This is what the angry spirits in the house want to do with
the Chatty Cathys and Peeing Pollyanna dolls and
Special Edition Sacajawea.

The Inn at school house creek is an adorable little arrangement of cottages with silly little names and unique little touches, ours was a  potbelly fireplace (which we didn't end up having enough energy to take an interest in), as well as a front porch (appropriate for glasses of wine) and a back porch (appropriate for bowls of maryjane). It also, for whatever odd reason, had a little fenced area with two mules behind the back porch. Mules are a lot more respectable than whorses simply because people don't ride them for pleasure but you can ride them if absolutely necessary or you can just throw some sacks of your belongings on them and have them Sherpa your shit around for you. It was also supposedly haunted, which of course got the paranormal detective in me all excited (no eerie happenings, which is probably for the best).

Unused but enduring nevertheless.

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Mules muling about.

Whimsical garden pic

So we lushed out on our complimentary wine and decided to throw on our suits and cottage provided matching robes (awww for cute!!) and take a late night dip into the hot tub and sauna. But what city dwellers forget is that when you're out in nature you have nothing but the stars as guiding light. There's no street lamps or flashing sirens or skyline...just the dark, the stars and the moon if she's out. This particular night was foggy and daaaark. The boyfriend instantly turns into the token black man in horror movies (he just wants to get the fuck out of the situation). So I'm holding the flashlight and he's holding me like a human shield against whatever dangers the dark night has in store. The flashlight beam only showed about 3 feet or less. It looked like we were getting ourselves into a Freddy VS. Jason situation walking deeper into the woods.

The journey at night

So we said fuck it and had a party in the normal sized bathtub back in the cottage instead, When we went to go find the hot tub and sauna the next morning after breakfast we were ashamed of our pussy ass behavior. We were less than 5 feet away from it the previous night, all we had to do was open a gate. Its probably for the best anyways; who knows there may have been some weird verts leering behind the brush. If the creepy maintenance crew of the B&B is any indication to the level of weirdness that roams the property the answer is yes there probably were.

The destination in comforting daylight

As we were packing up the car one such employee took it upon himself to stop down and chat with us about our plans for the day. We told him we were considering sea kayaking or hiking around to which he again took it upon himself to advise us into doing another activity...walking down along side a river on a path that mostly locals know about and like to use. We thanked him for the kind suggestion, got in the car and immediately decided that we was probably plotting to bind us to trees, steal our identities and dispose of us in that very river if we decided to take that hike. But after an inconclusive search for where the sea kayaking start off point was we ended up checking out the river path against our better judgement. Not only because of Mr. Megan's law but also because of this:

Notice specifically: "Keep children close, as mountain lions
seem to be especially drawn to them." So we had two
perverts on our hands

We felt fairly confident that we wouldn't be a rack of ribs dinner for any mountain lions however, because there was an older woman walking ahead of us with an ugly little fluff of a mini poodle who would probably be of greater interest and easier pray for any hungry big cats.





Big Beast
VS.
Little pieces of shit Poods
 

You can decide who will win that battle...

This little stumbled upon nature sculpture was either made by an artsy fartsy hiker or it was left as a sign from the weirdo back at the B&B to let us know he was around...

I embellished it with the blossom,

After the easy little jaunt down the river path we went to check out some sea bluffs and a giant sink hole. Sounds exciting, I know but it was actually quite beautiful and again with a hint of danger. There were multiple signs posted warning us to NEVER turn our backs to the ocean!!! It claimed that many lives were lost a year from people simply walking around, not paying attention and being swept off the cliff edge by a rouge wave. We decided to take the advice to heart and tried to stay as far away from the edge as possible. We only got brave on a very high increase of bluff that looked completely dry, untouched by any murderous waves. But as if God was wagging a finger us in warning, just a few minutes after we walked away we heard a loud crash and saw spray drench the edge of where we had just been standing. It wasn't powerful enough that it would have swept us away, so we didn't have the sensation of our lives flashing before our eyes but we did feel simultaneously anxious and relieved and took it back to the grassy, safe zone of the bluff.

The sink hole was a trip. It doesn't look to crazy but its basically the ocean coming underneath the bluff we were on to a place where the land just gave away and now there's a sort of little pond of ocean in the middle of it.

After getting our fill of small town/ nature adventures back to the city we went in our little shit mobile (it may not look to fly but it gets us where we need to go)

Down by the river. We left contact info. in the glove compartment in case we ended up getting kidnapped and tortured by the weirdo

Back on the windy road home we go...we saw where Paul Bunyan ashed his cigarette on the way.