The First official day of our Mendocino Adventure-
The boyfriend can't stay in bed too much past 9-9:30 whereas I can stay in bed till about 1-1:30 without really being phased. So he took it upon himself to adventure out to Mickey D's and get the rare treat of a McBreakfast (rare because most people who truly relish McBreakfast aren't up and about before the crack of 10:30 to get it). I'm totally with the camp who wants breakfast all day...I don't think it would take away the specialness of a Mcbiscuit and hashbrown patty; I think it would actually enhance the experience to have it at any time I choose.
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The only joy to waking up before 10:30. Minus the egg. |
So he lured me out of bed with this delight, we toked up, threw our swimsuits on and took advantage of having a pool at the motel.
It was no surprise that we were the only people using the amenities, we may have in fact been the only person to use them in the past several weeks. It looked as though there was a slight algae growing on the floor but what harm is a little algae gonna do? It wasn't black mold! Plus I was completely distracted from that issue because I was entranced with the jungle themed mural around the whirlpool which we almost fell asleep in. As you know pools of this kind do NOT have a lifeguard on duty so thank god we did not pass out and drown in the sad little motel hot tub, it would be a really worthless way to die and an awkward obituary write up.
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This fancy little whirlpool was almost my final resting place. I really felt like I was transported to a tropical oasis. It was very relaxing. |
After our dip we layered up in warm clothes and decided to go check out some tide pools in the state park. I have a vague understanding of how the tide works and know that it changes throughout different seasons and times of day...I did not realize however that it would be extremely dangerous and we would be likely to get swept away if we went to wander around the tide pools in the middle of the afternoon on this particular day...according to the park ranger that's exactly what would happen and so we made a change of plans. We ended up taking a wandering walk down the gray beach instead.
Here's a pictorial example of some of the exciting beach sights we saw:
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The coast in all it's cloudy glory.
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Some super weird sea vegetables.
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A smiling sea log. I know it kinda looks like a turd...
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After our beach adventure the skies started to clear up and we thought it might be a good idea to engage in a more exciting, adventurous activity. Unfortunately this activity ended up being horseback riding. Horses are not my pals and riding them does not usually bode well for me. Because of this I was very apprehensive about this endeavor. My apprehension seemed further warranted when we pulled up at the ranch which was basically a barn and a shack with a bunch of horses standing around and a bunch of trucks parked in the lot. We walked up to the shack assuming that it was the "customer service" and knocked on the door to no avail. The windows were dusted and there was not a soul in sight. Again it was reminiscent of some weird horror film, Texas chainsaw massacre maybe?? We decided to dip before a hillbilly could pop out of the barn and pull some weird Rob Zombie shit on us. |
After lunch we decided there really weren't too many other options available in Mendocino and so we called up the risky ranch to book a ride. This time when we arrived horse ridin' Hannah was ready to take us along with a mom and her two daughters out on the beach trail. While she brushed the horses and saddled them up we went into the awkward little hut to watch a rider's safety video. The video looked like someone had set a camcorder on a fence post back in '83 and gave a shitty example of how to properly mount and dismount a horse without kicking it and therefore scare the shit out of it and get thrown off. Immediately after watching the video we forgot all of the safety tips. So we headed back outside and hoped for the best. Horse ridin' Hannah was still brushing away. At the time I did not understand the importance of grooming the horses before riding them. I eventually found out why. After we geared up with our special ed. looking safety helmets we stood around waiting to hop on our horses. We tried to guess which one would be ours. The mother and her daughters were especially excited about this guessing game. The horse that stood out the most was a giant male Budweiser horse who was chomping away and staring all of us down. He stood out even more when he popped a GIANT fucking horse boner to the shock of the little girls. There he was with his big ass horse dick staring all of us down...like "Yea bitches here's what I've got to offer". But as soon as the horse trainer came back our way he tucked it away like a super sneaky perv. So of course that was the horse the BF got. I on the other hand got a sweet innocent looking horse named Cloud. As we mounted the horses the trainer let us know that our horses would be doing what they please and would mill about eating as much grass as possible before the ride. She was not exaggerating. There was absolutely no controlling those bastards. They pulled us wherever they wanted to go.
After everyone was saddled up we headed on our way. The beginning of the ride was fairly calm through the woods minus two Mendocino meth headed teens who popped out of the trees looking like the Columbine killers. Nevertheless we continued on our way. As we went Cloud made it clear that she was in control and would go at whatever pace she chose. I was just there as a prop. I couldn't ride next to the BF because apparently our horses were also lovers and in a tumultuous relationship. Every time we tried to get side by side they would bite at each other and rear their heads back, so we tried to stay in the single file line.
Just as we got down to the lovely sunny beach I heard the horse trainer yell at me to pull back on the reins. I had no idea why and just as quickly as I tried to pull back I was going down...my horse was fucking laying down on the ground with me still on top of it!! I don't think I have ever acted so athletically and agilely as I did in that moment. I kicked out of the stirrups and jumped off that bitch as she began to roll around in the sand. After jumping off I ran up on top of a sandbank with my arms in the air, shouting in shock and confusion. The other riders were looking on with horror as my loving boyfriend practically fell off of his saddle laughing which I joined in on after my initial disbelief. I pretty march started to pee my riding pants laughing so hard at my misfortune and the fact that I had just narrowly escaped being crushed under a giant horse and turned into a paraplegic.
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Imagine me practically under this. |
The horse trainers response to all of this was "I thought I brushed her enough!! I guess she was trying to scratch an itch...she hasn't done that to anyone in weeks!!" To which my internal response was "If a fucking horse regularly tries to throw off it's rider and roll around on the beach, why is it used at all?? Turn it into a bottle of Elmer's because that shit is not safe!!". Ultimately nothing about this scenario surprised me at all. As I said earlier horses are not my pals. I have had bad luck with them from the beginning. As a six year old I went with family friends to a stable for my first ride. I got a pony named macaroni who was apparently retarded. As we set off on the trail it took off at a full speed canter and tried to hop a fence. Luckily the guide caught up and pulled it to a halt before it could paralyze me and I got to trade horses. Basically nothing has changed between my first experience and what I have now decided is my last.
After standing on the sandbank for a few minutes waiting for my horse to quit writhing around on the ground like a wild beast it finally stood up and I was expected to hop back on. This was probably extremely comical for all those watching. Not only was I just dismantled from this crazed animal but I was now (at 5'3) expected to hop back onto this super massively tall creature and keep on ridin'. And so I did...the rest of the ride I sat alertly as possible ready to ditch at any moment, holding the reins loosely because I decided this bitch was gonna do what it wanted. Instead of enjoying the lovely sounds of the waves against the shore all I had was the laughter of the boyfriend behind me. My horse continued to gallop up steep inclines of sand and shove her way to the front of the line budging the other horses. Eventually I got the last laugh when the BF's Budweiser horse got spooked crossing the road. It was startled by a motorcylce in the distance and immediately turned into a bucking bronco, practically throwing him off. To see him almost shit himself atop the saddle was enough to make me feel not so bad about my own experience.
I expected a discounted if not free ride but this did not happen. I paid for my wild wild west experience in full. There is nothing romantic or fun or freeing about riding a horse. Its mostly an awkward, painful, unnatural and startling experience. I'm very relieved that these beasts are no longer a mode of transportation and I don't plan on using one as such ever again.
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This is how the ranch advertised our ride.
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These are the asshole horses we actually got. This photo is them at their happiest; eating and not having anyone on their back, The two on the right side were ours. |
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